Here before you is an idea I had churning in my brains a few months back. Whilst jobless I took it upon myself to see if I could score an awesome work at home gig. I found a couple of groovy sites where you write articles and get paid based off of hits and whatnot. Naturally there was a games section with a good amount of reviews and I thought I could easily differentiate myself from the peeps already writing there. An hour or so later and you have this:
A Review in Character: BioShock
How many fathoms deep must I go for this game to be good?
At first I thought: awesome. The only negative BioShock review on the planet. I love me.
Of course that quickly turned in to: never posting this shit.
I got lost in my own head people. My humor (or lack there of) got the best of me and this review well it didn’t make much sense. Hell, it makes perfect sense to me. Maybe it’ll make perfect sense to you. So read the following with a grain of Salt-N-Pepa and remember that I really do believe BioShock is an overly hyped piece of interactive entertainment.
Deep beneath the sea I sit in a giant glass tube. Why do I sit here? More importantly how did I get here? Oh, thats right. I hopped in my little submarine, the S.S. 360, and took a trip down to BioShock. I really hate it down here.
Yes, I’m in Rapture, fictional underwater utopia gone bad, setting the stage for what seemed to be an epic adventure. The start of the holiday mambo where little girls play with needles and schizophrenic party hoppers wear adorable bunny masks. At some point the tube releases me. There’s blood everywhere. BioShock. Blood. This is a Mature rated game.
M for Mature – If you are not of age please stop reading now. That is unless mommy and daddy sit next to you holding your hand. Thank you.
Now where was I? Oh yes. BioShock. Blood. This game is really graphic and scary. Definitely not for the young or young at heart. The lights flicker and people talk to me but nobody is there. The ambience is perfect in ways only I can imagine. As I walk I listen to the sweet sweet melody of death through my cheap computer speakers. This really does set a new standard for interactive entertainment.
I already mentioned the blood. But did you know there was a story? Yes it’s there deep beneath the blood. As I walk through the hall a slight glow emanates from the corner. I find a taped recording and in that get to experience the end of utopianism. Utopianism. Is that a word? Perhaps I created it in my head twenty fathoms below. That is why people came here. To create. That is the other half of the story fueled by crazy doctors and philanthropists. It really is entertaining, albeit not very engaging.
Believe me when I say it could have been an epic story but there were no dragons. Just crazy people. Oh look a Big Daddy. It’s massive dome and ultra shiny drill-for-a-hand make this monstrosity a force to be reckoned with. Regretfully so I have found it’s weakness and am bored by each new encounter.
My foot kicks a gun as I round the corner. I pick up the six shooter hoping to avoid it’s use any time soon. I am by no means a bad shot. My arm just feels out of sink as if it were too loose to function properly. Suddenly aiming is too much of a hassle. The big daddy cries out in anger. I die. Why BioShock why?
I am now back where I started. This glass tube is getting on my nerves and although I wish Rapture the best I must depart. My eyes and ears are happy. But the blood has stained my new dress shirt. I can’t aim and the story puts even the strongest man to sleep.
Do not spend an eternity here. The weekend is time enough.
